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Saturday, September 02, 2006
you have heard about my past with my friends and how God has shut doors and opened doors in my life and how I am here in the navy. What haven’t you heard? What is it that you don’t want to know or think about? What is really going on in the life of The AX? What is it that after 12 years he has finally come to face as truly broken about him? It is the one thing he does not want you to know. Something he thought he could hide. But after tumbling down and down he has come to finally face it and is completely lost. Starting in 7th grade not even a hint of it around in the house. A growing feeling, a lust, a love, and soon to be an addiction of the female form etched its way into my life. Starting small with that harmless victorias secret magazine grew into something life threatening. I warn you now, watch yourself for it will be graphic and hard to read. I took that magazine and being I did not have a computer that I could use, I took blank pieces of paper and outlined that perfect body form on to my blank piece of paper except on my piece of paper I left out that bra or pair of panties that barely cover her body. For two years I did that. Until the beginning of my freshman year of highschool, we moved in December of 98 and we were now allowed to use that computer. At that time there were parental blocks and some pay sites but there was a lot more free and easy to access than there is now. I literally could view anything I wanted with very little hassle. That went on for a couple years. Then I found out i had been caught by my parents. I never new my mom never new... but when she found out, she is the one that had confronted me... that was embarrassing, it couldn’t at least be my father who is the same gender and understands a little more? Both mom and dad tried helping me but when you are able to lie about your progress it is hard for any progress. I had stopped with the computer but i was 17 and 18 I had free roam to the video stores yeah everyone new the family but they were out of town and i made sure i had them in on time no questions about it. I was not able to get the really bad stuff behind the walls but i was able to get enough to satisfy an 18 year olds mind. Even having the desire and urge to see it in person I was to shy and scared to even ask a woman on a date. Let alone go any farther. College came and I had my first girlfriend. We had heavy make out sessions at night. With groping and touching but nothing more. I still had more than i had ever experienced. After college i had my own newly built computer and I lived in the basement a new phone line i could be one when ever i wanted I worked nights so sleeping in was no problem. After work i found chatrooms and other sites. Now in the navy, started drinking a little not much. Built up a stash of movies and a side separated porno. Got some from school and bought some. Found a girl from back home. Had a webcam had some fun on that and when she came to visit yeah my parents were here and I don’t think for a second that we fooled them, we had her in a hotel, and I would say i stayed at my place and picked her up. But of course that is not the case for a week we stayed together and I no longer am a virgin. Still addicted to porn and have gone to the limits. My parents never questioned a thing. So i figure i got away with it. As time is passed I went home back in march and we saw each other and spent the night together again. But that was the end of the physical relationship we still talk and all but nothing else. I have now secluded myself from women because I can no longer look at a woman and not think about having sex. Do i want more than just sex absolutely, but being the guy that is physical to begin with, (physical meaning there are 8 ways of how a person shows love mine is touch) it is hard for me to separate sex and touch. I am too scared and almost not motivated to get help. I don’t like the time i am too impatient and it is taking aprat of me that i have had for 12 years now it is scary having to give something up wether good or bad. But i know it is something i need to do. Just last week I asked a guy who used to be in the military so we have sort of a common bond right there, and I am taking my first step to getting help. But still scared to death. Who is going to see this i do not know. But here I am about to leave in 2 months finally seeking help. Will it last this time? Who knows maybe i will try to keep you updated but i am not promising anything, those who are going to read this well there is one thing you never new about me. Maybe you too can help keep me accountable if you feel the desire too.
Brandon Posted at 07:56 am by axmaker
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
I grew up in a Christian home, and have been very active in the church from helping with nursery to being involed with youth groups since i can remember. I was helping my mom and other people in the nursery when i was like 7. I moved to La Pine when I was a freshman in highschool and with in a few months i was comitted to going to mexico after a lot of pursuation from my youth paster. I became close with not many kids in the youth group but a small couple, and I thought they were awesome. I worked with the pastors son whom was my closest friend. His senior year (my Junior) he was big in to parties and cussing and drinking something i really didn't care to do, I was able to not cuse (in front of people) till my senior year. I still remember him taking me out back of the pizza parlor and telling me to tell him my favorite cuss word, after a few minute i finally quietly said it, he laughed then just yelled the f word so loud I was embarrassed not of the word but i thought neighbors would complain. he left for college and i was let all alone except for work. that became my life ( I think it still is accually) he came back for my classes graduation, I was homeschooled so I was not part of it, but he came in to eat before the ceremony and said hi to me and asked if it was busy. well I had worked up a mouth by then esp. at work and said " Oh F***** H*** yeah it is." he took a step back and look and replied " Oooh your mister big stuff now, cussing like crazy aren't you?" I never saw him after that, and felt betrayed by my only firend here. my senior year I was litterally praying a prayer that went some what like this. " God I know you exist, I know you created all and I am your child, but I want ot have control of my own life, you are always there stoping me from getting into trubble and protecting me from these parties, I want to be incontrol." stupid i know but I wanted to do things that the Lord would not let me do. Thank God he never said yes to that prayer. I was looking at colleges like cascade and george fox because I had heard rumors that a lot of the students their confess to be Christian but don't live it, i thought perfect for me i started applying but never did finish a single app. i never did like the idea of a baptist college but I was not getting far in any other apps so in june i finished one that was to western baptist college. in july i was acepeted. that gave me jsut a little more than a month to get my act right. I worked a little on it and did honestly get better, when I got to western I met a Great woman and a Godly one at that. and we started dating with in a week. i learned a lot in that relationship where i had to get back, like my walk for one, I had fallen so hard and i was still a long was from getting back on track. through out the year my roomate and I would have a lot of good talks, I would help give him advise and he would give me advise. I will say I grew a lot in maturaty and spirtually ( not to say I am mature by any means) but more than I was. after that year i was feeling much better when i came home even though I was kicked out becasue of grades I was glad to be home. and wanting to grow more. I started working at the pizza parlor again and back came my mouth, and it is still here a little but it is getting better now that i am out of the pizza parlor. I was wanting to move into bend by the beging of this last summer, got a job at blockbuster and ready to move, well l quite the pizza parlor after a month of blockbuster, and never did get into bend, I had this arm recruiter buging me and bugging me about joining, i turned him down and eventully started ignoring him never answered the door when he came, and never returned phone calls. but started thinking, i am going no where with my life I have to get back into reality and stop with these low end jobs, find a career, so I wnet to talk to my brothers recruiter, which shocked everyone around me because i was so addimant about not joining any millitary what so ever. no i don't trust recruiters not even these guys but i do have a little more trust in them than any other.
I guess the moral of this testimony is that the Lord does nad will have your life in his hands no matter what road he leads you down or you go down he is there for you
Posted at 12:22 am by axmaker
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